Unrequited Love
by Bloodygirl5
Summary: L is in love with someone he knows will never return his feelings, and as time goes on his affections will grow. His need and desire for this person only becomes stronger and more intense as time goes by. And much to his dismay, L's heart swells with melancholy every time he thinks about his love, or sees them, because he knows he will never be with them.
1. L's Love

Chapter One: L's Love

 **I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE!**

 **SETTING** : Takes place in the building headquarters that L had built, it skips from time to time back to the hotel rooms and other parts of the story line. This chapter takes place in the hotel room with the cameras.

 **WARNING** : This story involves, unrequited love, self harm, suicidal thoughts, sexual thoughts, **EXTREME** sexual fantasies (Sometimes, it goes from not to bad to extreme, and can be normal.), binge eating, bulimia, self hate, stalker-like tendencies and behavior along with actions, swearing, sexual stores, sex toys, masturbation, and (sometimes) explicit sex scenes. If you do not like stories like these then please don't read.

 **HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE TEXT:**

'Normal Text' means it's a thought.

' _Italics'_ mean that it's a fantasy.

 _Italics_ means that it's a flashback

 **Bold** means it's an author's note.

Summary: L is in love with someone he knows will never return his feelings, and even though he doesn't want to feel this way, he just can't help it.

…..

L knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it.

His entire life L has always had a good grip on his emotions, he never let his emotions get in the way of a case, and he never got close to someone who was either working on the case with him, or anyone involved in the case.

But that all changed when L started working on the Kira case.

At first L didn't think much of the Task Force members when they introduced themselves, but as he got to know them, he started to like them.

He had different feelings towards each Task Force member, some good, some bad.

But there was one member of the Task Force that made him have feelings he had never felt before, one member that made him smile on the inside, one member that haunted his dreams, one member that infested his mind, and that member, was Aizawa.

At first L couldn't identify what exactly it was that he felt for Aizawa, he had never felt this way about anyone he knew, but the name of the emotion he felt for him and what it meant was something he just couldn't figure out.

When L first met Aizawa, he knew that he was going to be a very good member for the investigation.

As time went by, this feeling he had only grew more and more, and he still couldn't decipher what the feeling was.

But then, something happened that made L realize what it was he felt for Aizawa.

One night, when the headquarters was still just a hotel room, after all the Task Force members had left, L had laid down on the bed in the hotels bedroom.

It was a big bed because he always had Watari book a suite, so the rooms were always big so there was always space for all the case files, the Task Force members, and his sweets.

The room was dimly lit by a lamp on the nightstand next to the bed, making half of L's face look even paler than it did before.

Before he left to get more ingredients for L's dessert buffet that he had everyday, Watari had told him he needed to rest since it had been eight days since the last time he slept, so he decided he would at least try to sleep.

He was under the covers, only his head peaking out.

He tried to relax himself so he could get tired, so he gently rubbed his thigh.

At first it was just a nice relaxing feeling, but then it started to feel a different kind of good.

L knew this feeling, he was starting to get aroused.

It had been a while since the last time he had touched himself, and it would relieve some of his stress, so why not?

He ran one hand underneath his shirt and tweaked his right nipple.

"Ah…!" He quietly gasped, oh it had far been too long he thought, he needed to do this more often, it made him feel human.

He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them along with his boxers off and lazily threw them to the floor.

He moved his hand over to his left nipple, taking the hard nub and rolling it side to side between his forefinger and thumb.

He lightly cupped his erection, softly squeezing it before curling his nimble fingers around the shaft, stroking lightly but quickly.

He took the hand he had used to play with his nipples and put his index, middle, and ring finger in his mouth.

He closed his eyes as he thoroughly coated them, imagining that he was sucking off no one in particular, but when he looked up at the man in his fantasy, he saw the last person he ever expected to suddenly in his fantasies… Aizawa.  
He choked on his fingers, and stopped his strokes, he blushed in embarrassment.

Why had he imagined Aizawa!?

L calmed himself again and tried to reason with himself.

'Aizawa is an attractive man, it's only natural that I would fantasize about a man like him. Besides, this is my sexual fantasy, and no one has to know about it.' He thought to himself. He once again began to stroke himself just as he had before, and slowly slid his fingers back into his mouth, sucking them like he had before.

He closed his eyes and returned to his fantasy, but wasn't surprised this time when he saw that the man he was sucking was Aizawa.

' _They were in the hotel room that they used for as headquarters, and L and Aizawa were both on the couch where the camera surveillance for the Yagami household was set up. Aizawa was sitting on the couch normally, but L was between his legs, sucking him lovingly. Aizawa was big and thick, just the way L liked it. L sucked harder, making the man groan as he pushed L's head further down his shaft, making him choke slightly._

 _L continued to suck until Aizawa grabbed his head and pulled his mouth off forcefully, making him look up at him, a string of saliva still connecting from L's mouth to Aizawa's cock._

 _L's mouth was still open because of Aizawa's strong grip on his jaw, making him unable to close it._

" _Bend over." Aizawa huskily ordered._

 _L took his pants off and got on the couch and rested his head on the arm, raising his ass as an offering for Aizawa.'_

L flipped himself over on his stomach under the covers, raising his ass up in the air as if Aizawa was really there to fuck him.

' _Aizawa chuckled, and then slapped L's ass._

" _Ah!" L exclaimed, not knowing Aizawa was going to do that, but liking it._

 _Aizawa it did again and again, and then when he was finished he squeezed L's ass cheek in his big left hand and admired the red hand marks he had left._

 _Aizawa got closer behind him and positioned himself at L's entrance._

 _He roughly went inside with one thrust._

" _Ah!" L cried, not expecting Aizawa to be so rough, but not complaining.'_

"Ah!" L cried as he forcefully shoved all three fingers inside himself.

' " _Shut up, I know you like it." Aizawa hissed as he started to feel pleasure._

 _Aizawa was thrusting into L roughly, but gently at the same time, making it passionate and loving, but rough and hard at the same time._

" _Aah.. Ah Aizawa... Faster..." L moaned._

 _Aizawa went faster, thrusting harder than he had before._

 _He grabbed L by the hair and pulled his head back, making him look him in the eyes._

 _Before L could say anything, Aizawa kissed him, shoving his tongue into his mouth._

 _L groaned from Aizawa's thrusts, and from the passionate kiss he and Aizawa were engaged in._

 _And then, Aizawa hit the spot inside him that always brought L great pleasure; his prostate._

" _Oooh!~" L moaned loudly, breaking the kiss to say,_

" _More! Please Aizawa I need more!"_

 _Aizawa grabbed L's hips and drove himself even harder into him, hitting L's prostate with every thrust._

 _L rest his head on the armrest again, moaning wantonly as Aizawa pounded him into the sofa. Tears ran down L's face from the pleasure that Aizawa gave him, making him grip the armrest even tighter than before._

" _Oooh, yes… Ugh, yes~" L moaned, not caring about anything else._

 _Aizawa groaned, digging his nails into L's hips._

 _L rolled his hips back in time with Aizawa's thrusts, making him go even deeper inside than before._

 _L bit down on the sofa, trying to stifle his whimpers as Aizawa made passionate love to him._

 _L could feel it, his orgasm was approaching fast._

" _Aizawa…"_

 _L didn't get a verbal response, but he did get Aizawa speeding his thrusts up to a frighteningly inhuman speed._

 _L cried from Aizawa's physical response, clutching the sofa harder, rolling his hips as fiercely as he could._

 _His face was flushed a soft pink, his eyes were scrunched closed with tears leaking out of them, his mouth forced into an "o" shape from the onslaught that was occurring hotly at his hips; delicious pleasure._

 _L's eyes rolled up behind his closed eyelids, his back arched in pleasured agony, and his mouth opened wide to moan out,_

" _Aizawa!~"_

 _L's come spilled out onto the sofa, soaking into the cushions._

 _L moaned when he felt Aizawa fill him with his seed._

 _L laid there, panting as afterglow washed over him._

 _He felt Aizawa pull his soft cock out of him, feeling Aizawa's semen drip out of him._

 _L slowly raised his head to look back, seeing Aizawa smirking at him._

" _You were pretty good, see you later Ryuuzaki."_

 _After Aizawa finished putting himself back into his pants, and fastening his belt, he left without another word._

 _L laid there, unable to say anything, but his mind thought,_

' _I love you.' '_

L opened his eyes, he looked down at his semen covered hand that was still holding his now soft cock.

He then peacefully fell asleep without another thought.

…..

L groaned and opened his eyes, he had just woken up, and even though he knew he needed to get up he was still very tired.

L slowly sat up and looked down at himself.

His entire lower half was naked, and his left hand and cock was covered in his semen, while his top half was only wearing his plain white shirt that he wore everyday.

He looked at his pants and underwear that he had discarded of before falling asleep.

'What happened?' He thought looking at himself.

Then, he remembered.

He had gone to bed before Watari had left to get him more sweets, he tried to make himself relax by rubbing his thigh, but ended up getting aroused instead.

He had decided that he would give into the feeling, and that's how he would relax himself.

He started out imagining his normal fantasy, but then something was very wrong, oh so very wrong.

He had imagined Aizawa.

He had given himself some reason as to why he thought about Aizawa that way, and that it was fine.

He gave in, had an amazing orgasm, and thought to himself… _oh no._

"I love you." L said out loud, his eyes widening in realization.

'In my fantasy I thought "I love you" about Aizawa.'

L brought his hand to his heart, no, he hadn't, he really hadn't, there was no way he had let this happen.

"I'm in love with Aizawa…" L whispered out loud, making so quiet that only he could hear it.

"Oh fuck…" He said with his head in his hands, ashamed of himself.

He looked at the clock, and then himself.

His semen had dried on him, and it would be very uncomfortable for him to just pull his pants over it and work with the Task Force members, plus, he would smell bad.

L went over to the closet in the room and picked out the same exact outfit he had worn before. He took his pants from last night and put them in the hamper for Watari to wash.

He walked over to the bathroom in the large bedroom and closed the door behind him, locking it.

He didn't feel like showering, so instead he ran a hot bath.

He set the clothes to the side and got undressed as the hot water filled the tub.

He looked at the water, it was steaming.

Slowly, he got into the bath, sitting down, but instead of his normal crouch, he let his legs spread out and stretch.

The water went up to his shoulders, warming his entire body.

His muscles relaxed and he laid his head back, closing his eyes, letting the water sooth him.

After a few minutes of relaxing, he grabbed the soap.

He ran it up and down his arms, and then washed his lower half.

When he was done he relaxed in the bath again, letting the water take him away from all his worries.

Suddenly, his phone rang.

He reached out of the tub and grabbed it, opening it and putting it to his ear.

"Yes?"

"Oh, good, you're awake."

"Of course, is something wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to make sure you were awake, because remember the last time you went to sleep and I didn't call you?" L remembered, he had went to sleep and hadn't woken up for two days.

"Okay, what time is it?"

"It's 7:37 AM."

'Alright means I have twenty three minutes before the Task Force gets here.'

"Okay, thank you Watari."

"Will you have the usual for breakfast?"

"Yes."

"Alright." And with that L hung up.

L put his phone back down and got out of the tub.

He dried off and got dressed.

H drained the tub and left.

L went over to the nightstand and looked at the alarm clock, 7:41AM.

It had only been a few minutes since Watari called.

L looked at himself in the mirror and examined his eye bags, they looked just like they did before he went to sleep.

He was thin, very thin, and he was sickeningly pale.

'Ugly, I'm so ugly.' L thought, looking away from the mirror in shame of his appearance.

He went out into the room where he and the Task Force would be working and sat down in the big arm chair in his normal crouch.

Watari came out with his breakfast and set it down in front of L on the coffee table.

"Thank you Watari." Watari nodded in response and left.

L admired the big ice cream sundae before grabbing his spoon and taking a big glob of ice cream onto it and shoveling it into his mouth.

He savored the taste, letting himself drift off into his own little world before remembering that he had a case to solve.

He put his spoon down and grabbed his computer, opening it and looking over the most recent murders that Kira committed.

Time passed and eventually he finished his ice cream and was down looking over all the victims, so now what?

They didn't have many leads, the only lead they had in the case was Light Yagami, and nobody believed him.

L looked at the time on his computer, it was 7:59AM.

'They'll be here in one minute, or they're late.'

Just as L finished that thought, he heard a knock at the door.

"Come in." He said.

The door opened to reveal all the Task Force members, they all looked frustrated, (about the case.) except for Matsuda, who was always happy go lucky no matter how serious something was.

L looked them over to see if their body language would show any signs of guilt or any other emotion that may reveal that they know something that he doesn't.

When L's eyes gazed at Aizawa, his eyes widened slightly, and his body tensed.

No matter how much he wanted to forget, he couldn't forget what he imagined him and Aizawa doing last night.

L looked away from Aizawa, he knew that if he looked at Aizawa any longer he would think of last night and he would blush, and the world's top three greatest detectives does not blush, _ever._

'It's just a silly little crush, my heart is just playing tricks on me because I'm lonely and even though I hate to admit it, I wish I had a relationship with a man, and Aizawa is just the kind of person I would like.

He challenges me, he has an interesting personality that can be very confusing, so confusing that even I have a hard time understanding it.

He's everything I want, but he's married, to a woman, and has a daughter. Damn my heart.' L thought, but as soon as he heard the chief say something he snapped back to reality.

"What was that?" L asked, not hearing Soichiro the first time.

L didn't really pay attention to what was going on, it was hard, he was distracted by the feeling of his heart clenching in his chest from the pained love he felt for Aizawa.

He ignored it as best as he could, but alas, it pestered throughout the entire work day.

When the day was over and it was late at night, the Task Force members grabbed their coats and said their goodnights to L.

L said goodnight back, but the only one that really got his attention was,

"Goodnight Ryuuzaki, get some sleep, you look tired." Aizawa said as he was about to walk out the door, but waiting for L to respond.

"Goodnight Aizawa, will do." And with that, Aizawa left.

L's heart caught in his throat, did Aizawa care about him?

'No, don't think like that.' L thought, scolding himself for thinking about Aizawa like that again, and even thinking about the possible feelings he could have towards L.

L sighed holding his head in his hands as he blushed from frustration, and from what Aizawa said to him.

"Watari, I'm going to bed." L said, shocking the old man.

"Okay, do you need anything before you sleep?"

"No thank you, I'll be fine Watari." And with that, L walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind him, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

…..

 **I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of "Unrequited Love". The second chapter will be out as soon as possible.**

 **-Ally**


	2. Therapy

Chapter Two: Therapy

 **I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE!**

 **SETTING** : Takes place in the building headquarters that L had built, it skips from time to time back to the hotel rooms and other parts of the story line. This chapter takes place in the hotel room with the cameras.

 **WARNING** : This story involves, unrequited love, self harm, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide on more than one occasion, sexual thoughts, **EXTREME** sexual fantasies (Sometimes, it goes from not to bad to extreme, and can be normal.), trauma, therapy, binge eating, bulimia, self hate, stalker-like tendencies and behavior along with actions, swearing, sexual stores, sex toys, masturbation, and (most of the time) explicit sex scenes. If you do not like stories like these then please don't read.

 **(Warning may change over time.)**

 **HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE TEXT:**

'Normal Text' means it's a thought.

Normal text means it's reality.

' _Italics'_ mean that it's a fantasy.

" _Italics" means it's a dream._

 _Italics_ means that it's a flashback

 **Bold** means it's an author's note.

 **Spoilers!** : L's real name.

Chapter Summary: Not long after he realizes his feelings, L starts to have some rather strange dreams, and this frustrates him. **(This chapter contains material that may upset sensitive readers, if you do not like or cannot handle self harm fanfictions then please skip the beginning of this chapter. You have been warned.)**

I wrote this while listening to "I love you like a love song" by Selena Gomez.

…..

It was just another night, and nothing out of the ordinary was happening… well, at least nothing out of the ordinary _should_ have been happening.

L was following his usual schedule that he had set for many years, except now, he was very upset.

L was in the bathroom crying his eyes out as he held a sharp blade in his hand.

He ignored the pain it had caused him and put it to another part of his arm that wasn't already cut.

He sobbed as he dragged it along his arm, slicing the skin open.

He looked down at his bleeding arm that was traced with multiple cuts, _deep cuts._

He cried harder when he looked at his arm, hating himself, hating his emotions, hating his weakness, hating everything.

His hand loosens his grip on the blade and it falls to the ground, he brings his hands up to his head, not wanting to see anything, to just be able to see the darkness that used to be so comforting, but now was just mocking him, because he knew that he wanted to go there, he wanted to die so badly.

He forgets everything, he forgets his identity, where he is, and just cries as hard as he can.

He's so lost that he doesn't hear Watari when he knocks on the door.

"Ryuuzaki, are you okay?" L didn't respond, he couldn't hear him, all he could hear was his mind shouting at him, telling him to end it, tie it off, and kill himself.

He knew that if he did he'd be happy again, but he was L, and he couldn't just kill himself, he had a job to do, and a mass murderer to catch.

When L didn't respond and all he heard was more crying from him, he opened the door.

Watari eyes widened and then softened.

He went to L's side and pulled him an embrace.

"What's wrong Lawliet?" Watari asked softly, keeping his voice quiet.

L looked at Watari, his face stained with tears.

"Nothing." L replied, looking away from Watari.

"It's clearly not nothing. What did you do!?" Watari grabbed L's arm and looked at the cuts littered across his arm.

Some shallow, but most were very deep.

"Why? Why would you do this to yourself? I know you said that in order to deal with stress better you need to do this, but this is out of control."

"I want to die Watari, but I know that I have to stay alive to do my work and stop Kira."

"What's bothering you? And don't tell me you don't have a reason for wanting your death so soon."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well you clearly need to."

"My feelings are just being rebellious lately."

"Instead of avoiding your problems you need to address them."

"I don't know how to do that."

"Please Ryuuzaki, just tell me what's wrong." L knew he should tell Watari, but he was too ashamed to, and didn't want to talk about such things with him, or anyone.

"No." Watari sighed, he was used to L bottling up his emotions just to have them explode and come back to the surface, and then not tell him what was wrong.

"Then at least let me tend to your wounds." L nodded.

Watari grabbed the first aid kit and opened it.

He grabbed all the supplies he would need and started patching L up.

L winced when he felt the needle pierce his skin, pulling a thread through it to pull his flesh back together.

When Watari was done he put the med kit back in the cabinet and helped L up from the floor.

L stood there and didn't say anything, but managed to say,

"Thank you Watari."

Watari left without another word, not questioning L's action any further.

L walked out of his bathroom and sat down on his bed.

He looked down at his now sewn up arm, he hated himself for doing that, but had been doing this for many years.

When Watari first found him in the bathroom many years ago at Wammy's House, crying while cutting his arm, he had tried to explain to Watari that this was how he dealt with stress, and that it made him feel better.

At first Watari told him that he needed to stop anyway, but he couldn't.

Eventually L convinced the old man that he should just let him be, and he never questioned L again, and he hated seeing L this way, but had promised, but that was about to change.

L usually had control over himself, he would only make shallow cuts, but he lost himself and nearly killed himself.

It was all because of him, the _stupid_ man that he always thought about, the _hot-tempered_ man that seemed to suddenly take over his thoughts, the _handsome_ man that infested his dreams at night.

It had been three weeks since he first realized that he had romantic feelings for Aizawa, and every night he had been having erotic wet dreams about him.

They differed from each other, some were the same every time, some were always different, and some were similar from past dreams.

In all honesty L thought they were getting weirder and weirder, and his orgasms got stronger and stronger.

L was ashamed of his feelings, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get them to stop.

He wanted to die, he wanted these feelings to go away, he just wanted to escape from reality and just be able to be happy for once.

It had been many years since he was last happy, but after all that had happened to him, his world had turned bleak.

The last time he was truly happy was when he was five, but then _it_ happened, and then the next tragedy happened, and life just kept getting worse.

And now all his misery was coming back and bitch slapping him in the face just to mess with him, as if trying to make him so depressed he'd want to kill himself so bad that he pretty much attempt suicide.

L got under the covers and got comfortable, trying his best to push his thoughts aside, he needed the sleep since he hadn't slept for three days.

He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

He had another dream that night.

~In L's Dream~

" _L gave Aizawa a seductive look as he ran his hands over himself._

 _Aizawa was laying there naked, waiting for L to come to the bed._

 _L was standing at the foot of the bed, wearing nothing but a black thong._

 _Aizawa gave L a 'come hither' look._

 _L got on the bed, slowly crawling up to Aizawa to sit on his lap._

 _Aizawa put his hands on L's hips, pushing them down so he could grind against him._

 _L gasped, his member getting a little hard._

 _L ground his hips down, adding more pressure._

 _L leaned down and kissed Aizawa, letting Aizawa's tongue invade his mouth._

 _The two men moaned in each other's mouths as they ground their erections together._

 _Aizawa broke the kiss and flipped, L on the bottom, and he on top._

 _He kissed L's neck, sucking and biting lovingly on the sensitive spot._

 _L moaned, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the wonderful sensations Aizawa gave his neck._

 _Aizawa's hands roamed L's body, sensually rubbing his thighs._

 _L gasped from Aizawa's hand squeezing his erection through the fabric of the thong._

 _Aizawa hooked his finger under the g string and slowly pulled it down, revealing L's erection standing tall._

 _L felt Aizawa's hard on brush against his leg as he moved down his body._

 _L looked down at Aizawa, who now had his face in front of his arousal._

 _Aizawa grabbed him by the base and licked the head, causing L to gasp._

 _Aizawa licked the head, moving to the sides and eventually taking him deep into his mouth._

 _L moaned loudly, looking to the ceiling, the pleasure was already so good that if he looked at Aizawa he was afraid he would come right on the spot._

 _Aizawa sucked harder as his hand traveled up L's body, putting his fingers to his mouth._

 _L took the fingers into his mouth and sucked them, making sure they slick._

 _With one hand, Aizawa spread L's legs and pushed them up so the feet were by L's head._

 _Aizawa pulled his fingers out and moved his hand down to L's entrance._

 _L softly moaned when he felt Aizawa massage his entrance, not going in but teasing the tight ring of muscle._

" _Go in." L said, loving the teasing but wanting more._

 _Aizawa slowly pushed a finger inside L, making him gasp._

 _Aizawa moved the finger deeper and deeper until he got to the knuckle._

 _He added another finger, moving it just as deep, stretching him with both fingers._

 _Aizawa added two more fingers, making L moan from the stretch._

 _Aizawa moved his fingers in and out slowly, torturing L._

 _L whimpered in annoyance, telling Aizawa he needed to hurry._

 _Aizawa then moved his fingers quickly, making L grasp the sheets and his eyes widen._

" _Aah! Aizawa, don't tease me…"_

 _Aizawa pulled his fingers out, making L whimper in response._

 _He grabbed L's legs, lifting them up._

 _Getting the idea, L wrapped his legs around Aizawa's waist._

 _Aizawa positioned himself at L's entrance, and then slowly pushed himself inside._

 _L moaned, loving the feeling._

 _When he was all the way inside he grabbed L's hand, lacing his fingers with L's._

 _He started to slowly thrust into L._

" _Ooh…" L moaned quietly._

 _Then, Aizawa found L's prostate._

" _Aah!" L gasped in surprise._

 _Aizawa's thrusts sped up, just barely, they were still slow._

 _L's free hand roamed Aizawa's back, moving up to his afro._

" _Aizawa...more…"_

 _He thrust deeper, harder._

 _L moaned and whimpered under Aizawa's grasp, he fisted his afro whenever Aizawa brushed against his prostate extra hard._

 _Aizawa rested his hand on L's hip, gripping it so he could drive himself deeper into L._

 _His thrusts were slow and passionate, causing a deep pressure inside L, making him writhe and moan under Aizawa._

 _He looked into Aizawa's eyes, they were hard and cold._

 _L's eyes were dark with pleasure as Aizawa thrust into his prostate over and over again._

 _Aizawa leaned down and kissed L, their tongues danced together in a passionate waltz._

 _L felt himself nearing the edge, he broke the kiss to say,_

" _I love you Aizawa." Aizawa didn't say anything, making L sad._

" _Say it." L said, hoping Aizawa would say 'I love you' in return._

 _Aizawa acted as if he hadn't heard a single thing L said._

 _Giving up, he pulled Aizawa into a passionate kiss._

 _L was gasping and moaning, whimpering every time Aizawa hit his prostate._

 _He writhed in pleasure, pulling at Aizawa's hair, securing his legs around him as much as possible, scratching his back with his chewed up nails, begging him for more, but never letting go of Aizawa's hand._

 _L whimpered from the wonderful sensations Aizawa gave him, his slow and passionate thrusts stimulated his sensitive entrance, and his cock pressing deeply into his delicate prostate, he couldn't last any longer._

 _L tensed, his back arched as he threw his head back into the mess of pillows and sheets, he closed his eyes as he cried out in bliss._

 _Pleasure coursed through his veins, making him tremble in Aizawa's arms, and breath out shaky moans._

 _L's mind barely registered Aizawa's come coating his inner walls._

 _When L's high finally subsided and after glow washed over him, he looked up at Aizawa, panting from the shear strength of his orgasm._

" _You're still inside me, good. I want you to be with me like this forever." L said, smiling up at Aizawa._

 _Aizawa didn't say anything, he just stared at L, his eyes dead and cold, no longer loving...but were they ever loving? Was it just lust?_

 _L brought Aizawa's head down and gave him a chaste kiss._

 _Aizawa didn't respond, letting L's supple lips move along his._

 _L broke the kiss and looked at Aizawa with sad and loving eyes, and said,_

" _Please hold me."_

 _L felt a surge of joy when he felt Aizawa pull him into an embrace, spooning in from behind, still inside him._

 _L closed his eyes and smiled, putting Aizawa's big hand over his own._

" _I love you, even though you'll never feel the same way about me."_

…..

L slowly opened his eyes, opening them to look around when he didn't feel Aizawa's arms around him.

That's when he realized that Aizawa wasn't there, and that he had once again had a dream he wished was real.

He put his head and his hands and sighed as he saw the stain his boxers had.

He got up and took a bath, he had been doing this everyday because of the dreams.

The dreams varied from each other, some had Aizawa be rough and hard, while others had him be passionate and loving.

But there was one thing that the dreams all had in common, at the end Aizawa would become cold and distant, but he would always hold him if he wanted.

When he was done he got dressed and went out into the work area.

He sat down in his usual armchair and opened his computer, thanking Watari when he came over with the same ice cream sundae he had for breakfast every morning.

He worked like he always did while eating his breakfast, and when he was done he started to think.

'I have to deal with this, its been going on for far too long. I know that I have feelings for Aizawa, but it's affecting my dreams and my hormones. I have to get rid of these feelings, but how?' L thought for a moment, trying to figure out a way he could demolish his emotions.

L's eyes narrowed and he smiled abhorrently, he had an idea.

Just then he heard a knock at the door, it was 8:00AM, time for work.

"Come in." L said, only paying attention to Aizawa when they all walked in.

They sat down in their usual chairs and looked to L.

"Alright, let's get to work."

…..

L sat in his room with his computer, staring at the screen.

'Okay, now I have to put my plan into action.' He thought as he opened a new document.

L titled it "Pros and Cons".

L had decided that one way to get rid of his feelings were to list the good and bad things about Aizawa, so as long as he could think of something he didn't like about Aizawa, he would be able to use it as a turn off.

'I guess I'll start off with the pros.'

His list said,

"PROS: Handsome, hard worker, intelligent (when calm), good person, strong, nice hair (his afro's cute)," L blushed before typing the next pro.

"PROS: Handsome, hard worker, intelligent (when calm), good person, nice hair (his afro's cute), good in bed (at least in all of my fantasies and dreams)."

'Okay, let's think of some cons.'

"Cons: Easily angered,"

'But he's cute when he's angry… damn it! I have to think of things that are turn offs not turn ons.' He erased "Easily angered" started back at square one.

"Cons:" L's mind was drawing a blank, he couldn't think of a single thing he didn't love about Aizawa, he loved _everything_ about Aizawa.

'Great, now what?' L thought as he closed his computer, putting it on the floor to charge.

He turned the light off and got under the covers, his head buried underneath the blankets.

He closed his eyes and tried to relax his body so he could sleep, he laid on his side, hugging a body pillow close to him.

He breathed slowly to rest his mind, trying to rid his brain of all thoughts so he could shut down for a few hours.

As he was going through his thoughts to turn them off, he thought of Aizawa.

He blushed and closed his legs tighter around the pillow, he tried to think of something else.

'Elephants, I like elephants. They're big, like peanuts, and shit everywhere.'

L started to relax again, but then Aizawa came back.

L cursed his mind, he knew that he should fight it more, but he was tired.

' _Aizawa was laying next to L, facing him._

 _He wrapped his arms around L, his hands resting at his waist and traveling to his back._

 _L sighed happily as he buried his head in Aizawa's shoulder._

 _L felt Aizawa's hand grab his face, lightly cupping his cheek._

 _Aizawa's eyes were soft and loving as his other hand moved down to L's crotch._

 _He gently caressed the bulge forming in the front of his jeans, making L moan.'_

L moaned as he rubbed himself through his jeans.

' _Aizawa moved his other hand up L's shirt, his index and thumb twisting L's left nipple._

 _L gasped, grinding against Aizawa's hand._

 _Aizawa undid the button on L's jeans, pulling down the zipper._

 _Aizawa pulled L's pants down, and started palming him through his boxers._

" _Aizawa…" L said, not finishing the sentence, but knowing he would understand._

 _Aizawa pushed L's boxers down and grabbed his shaft, pumping him slowly and firmly._

 _L shuddered, loving that Aizawa knew just the way he liked to be touched._

" _You like that L? You pervert." Aizawa asked, smirking._

" _Pervert?"_

" _I'm married and have a child. You really are a pervert, a dirty little pervert." He whispered in L's ear._

" _N-no… I..I'm not…"_

 _Aizawa pumped L with a powerful amount of force, having them be slow, but very strong._

 _L moaned, quivering in Aizawa's grasp._

 _L heard Aizawa's deep chuckle ring in his ears as he whimpered._

" _Look at how much you like this, you're leaking precum already, and I haven't even been touching you for that long."_

" _I..I don't like it…"_

" _Don't lie to me, I can tell when you're lying."_

 _He licked the shell of L's ear, nibbling on it as he tweaked L's nipple extra hard._

" _I want this to stop."_

 _He moved his hand down to L's balls._

" _No you don't."_

 _L gasped as he felt Aizawa clutch his sack._

" _No, do- Ooooh…" L moaned as Aizawa fondled his balls, running his thumb over the sensitive skin._

 _L laid there letting Aizawa touch him, not able to protest anymore, only able to listen to the words Aizawa was murmuring to him._

 _It was sweet, but so bitter at the same time._

 _Hearing Aizawa whisper to him, telling him how perverted he was, Aizawa touching him so wonderfully, and the feeling of it all, it was… sickening._

 _He was disgusted with Aizawa, with the pleasure, with himself._

 _The way that Aizawa touched- no, the way that_ he _touched himself while thinking of Aizawa was disgusting._

 _The only thing that stopped him from yelling in rage was the distracting need to orgasm._

" _Aizawa" stroked him as hard and as fast as he could as he neared the edge._

 _And then, it was over._

" _Aaah!" L moaned as he came, emptying himself onto the sheets._

 _He held onto Aizawa, sinking his teeth into his shoulder as an attempt to quiet himself._

 _Waves of pleasure washed over him, making him shake and tremble in Aizawa's grasp._

 _When he shifted to afterglow, he heard Aizawa say,_

" _See? Honestly what am I going to do with you, you pervert?"_

 _L didn't open his eyes, instead saying,_

" _I love you, you bastard."_

" _I know you do."_

 _Aizawa put his arms around L, lightly kissing him before letting L relax into a deep sleep.'_

And L fell asleep.

…..

This was it, the same routine.

Wake up, take a bath to wash away the scum, look in the mirror and be disgusted, go to work, cut himself, go to bed and get aroused, masturbate, fall asleep, have a wet dream, repeat.

L hated this routine, he wished he could simply do his work like he always did and sleep when he needed it.

But no, his emotions and hormones were in overdrive, taking over his life and his mind.

Whenever Aizawa was around he felt a warm feeling spread through him, making it hard to concentrate, especially when Aizawa said something or talked to him.

Even when the damned man wasn't around he felt this feeling.

By now he knew what the "feeling" was, but he hated having it.

All his life L had never felt this way about anyone, and he had always desired a relationship with someone, but he never wanted it to happen like this, not with someone he could never be with.

L knew that his feelings were childish and wrong, but there was nothing to do, well…

There was one thing he did to show himself wrong he was, he did it to punish himself for his feelings.

L had done this for many years, it was something he did to help him cope with his emotions, he did it to help him ignore what happened in his past, he did it to try to forget.

What L did, was cut himself.

Every night L made long cuts on his arms, some deep, some shallow, it didn't matter, the point was that it made him feel better… at least that's what he told himself.

L didn't like the pain, all he liked was that it was distracting.

Watari had found out about it a long time ago, and didn't like that L did this to himself.

He would try to reason with him, but L would never listen, he would insist that it he was fine.

Watari had gone along with it for many years, but now, he knew he had to do something.

He walked out to where L was working on his computer in his usual armchair with his breakfast.

He put it down and looked at L sternly.

L noticed something was different about him.

"Is something wrong Watari?" L asked.

"I have decided that I shall no longer say and do nothing about your 'habit' L." L gave him a questioning look.

"What 'habit' are you talking about Watari, I have quite a lot of them."

"You know which one, your self harming. I will not stand by and let you do this to yourself anymore. It isn't healthy, and a few nights ago, when I found you with your arm pretty much open, I could clearly tell that you were aiming for suicide."

L didn't say anything, because even he knew that he was suicidal that night, even though he hated to admit it.

"As a solution to your problem I have decided to get you a therapist."

"What?" L asked, shocked that Watari would bring up such things.

"I have taken some of my time from baking your sweets to find you a therapist. You'll be seeing , I think you'll like her."

"Watari, this is not happening."

"It is happening. I gave you the chance to talk to me about what was bothering you, but you chose not to, so I took matters into my own hands."

"Watari, if I see a therapist they'll ask about my past, what I do for a living, and they'll want to know what's currently going on in my life. If I tell them the truth than they'd have the actual me on record, and even with an alias they'd have me on record. If I lie then it wouldn't help anyway. Besides, there's no need for me to have a therapist, I'm perfectly fine." Watari grabbed L's arm and pulled up the sleeve, making L look at the cuts littered across his pale skin.

"Does this look 'fine' to you?" L didn't say anything.

"Your first appointment will be tomorrow at 11:00PM."

"Watari, that will interfere with the case."

"You're more important the case, and you just let them go home early."

"As for how your sessions will go truth wise, you'll tell her the truth, but you won't tell her you're L. You'll simply tell her that you're a detective. As for your past I don't know much about it, but I promise that if you tell her the truth she can help you deal with whatever happened to you."

"Nothing happened to me, and they don't need to know my past. I don't want to talk about my past. Besides I'm sure they'd find it boring."

"L, this isn't up for discussion any more. The Task Force will be here any minute now, so I suggest you finish your breakfast and get ready for them to arrive." And Watari walked away without another word.

…..

L quietly grumbled to himself as he looked out the window of the limo.

Watari was taking him to his dreaded appointment with , and he had made him wear a coat.

It wasn't that it was uncomfortable, it was just that he saw no reason wear a coat, Watari told him to wear it because it was cold, but to L the temperature was fine.

L shifted his thoughts from the black coat to .

Was this really necessary?

'Yes.' He thought, he hated admitted he needed therapy, but even he couldn't deny that fact that he had trauma.

L snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Watari say,

"We're here."

L begrudgingly got out of the car and headed towards the building, not looking back at the car, he knew that Watari was going to sit there and wait until the appointment was over, just incase L decided to not go in and actually go through with it.

He pushed the doors open and walked inside.

He scrunched his nose in disgust as he took in his surroundings.

It was clearly made to try to make you feel comfortable and safe, but to L, it made him very uncomfortable, he didn't feel safe at all.

L almost ran back outside but decided against it, he knew that if he did that Watari would just forcibly drag him inside, and that would be embarrassing.

He went to the front desk where a woman in her thirties looked up at him and smiled.

L could tell it was fake, because the corners of her eyes didn't crease upward.

L didn't smile back.

"How may I help you?"

"I have an 11:00 PM appointment with ." The woman did a few clicks on her computer and then looked back at L.

"She'll be with you soon. For now you can go to the waiting room."

"Okay."

L walked over to a door way that had a sign over it that said "WAITING ROOM"

He walked in and sat down by himself.

There were five other people waiting there with him.

There was a woman in her twenties wearing a heavy purple sweater, rocking back and forth in her chair with a paranoid look in her eyes.

There was a man in his thirties who looked calm and collected.

There was a teenage boy around sixteen who looked annoyed as if he didn't want to be there, most likely forced to go by his parents.

And there was a little girl sitting in a corner with her mother playing with blocks.

He ignored the people's stares, he knew it was because of the way he sits, but he was used to people reacting to the way he sat.

After about two minutes a man came out with a clipboard and said,

"Hideki Ryuga? 's ready for you."

L got up and walked down the hall with the man who showed him where 's office.

L stood outside the door, not wanting to go in, afraid of what was on the other side of the door.

He wasn't afraid of , he was afraid of talking about himself to .

He grabbed the doorknob and went in.

A woman in her late thirties smiled at him and went over to him to shake his hand.

"I'm , I'm a nurse practitioner and I specialize in psychotherapy, sex therapy, and regular therapy. It's nice to meet you Ryuga."

"You too." L said quietly, suddenly feeling very shy.

"Please take a seat so we can begin."

L went to the chair across from the and sat down like he usually did.

looked concerned.

"Ryuga, I can't help but notice that the way you sit is very protective, will you tell me why you sit like that?" She asked gently.

"If I don't sit like this my deductive abilities drop by roughly 40%."

Her eyes softened.

"Ryuga, this is a safe place, you don't have to lie. Whatever it was that happened to you before won't happen again. I can tell that you sit like that as a way to protect yourself, did someone hurt you Ryuga?"

L didn't say anything, he didn't want to talk about his past, his trauma, he just wanted to go back to the hotel and work on the case.

"Your caretaker told me that you have a traumatic past, but he didn't know what you went through. He was hoping you'd talk about what happened to you, and that you're going through something now, but you didn't tell him that either. Please Ryuga, I'm here for you, I care about what happened and what's happening, and the only way I can help you is if you tell me."

L sat there, contemplating what he should do.

Should he tell her about his past?

Should he tell her about his Aizawa problem?

Should he make something up and say that was his past?

Should he make up something to mask his current problem?

He didn't know.

"I know it's hard Ryuga, but you have to talk about it. How about we talk about why you sit the way you do?"

"I already told you, if I don't sit like this my deductive abilities drop by 40%"

"Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"Yes."

"Alright, how about we talk about what you're currently going through."

L shifted uncomfortably in his chair, not wanting to talk about it, but knowing he had to.

"I've recently fallen in love with someone, someone I can't be with. This person is someone I work with, I'm higher than they are, and its been distracting me. I don't know how to stop these feelings, and I wish I knew how."

"What makes you love this person? Will you tell me their name? At least their gender?"

"They're a man, his actual name I won't say. He's tall, taller than me, and he's married to a woman and has a daughter. I'm attracted to him for many reasons, many I don't know. I'm not exactly sure why I love him."

"How has he been 'distracting' you?"

L paused before answering.

"I've become more emotional, on the inside, but whenever he's around I feel warm, even if the room is freezing cold. Even when he's not around the thought of him makes me feel warm, it's overpowering and makes me unable to concentrate. And I have… dreams."

"Will you tell me what the dreams are about?"

L looked down, hiding his eyes behind his bangs, a pink blush spreading across his face.

"I have… sexual dreams about him."

"I know it's embarrassing to discuss such things, but I need you to tell me how the dreams go."

L's blush deepened, he couldn't look at her, so he continued to look at his knees while hiding his eyes.

"Some are rough, some passionate, some are very strange where I don't act like myself."

"What do you mean by strange?"

"I wear things I've never worn before, I do things I've never done before, and I'm in places I've never gone to."

"What do you wear in the dreams?"

"I wear…" L couldn't say it.

"It's okay Ryuga, you can tell me. I'm not here to judge you, I'm here to help you."

"I wear many different things, it depends on how it goes. Sometimes I'm wearing.. a thong, or I'm wearing… women's lingerie. I'm surprised he still likes me in the dreams when that happens, because we both know that I wouldn't look very attractive in such attire." L said, using humor to try and make himself feel less awkward.

laughed,

"You're funny Ryuga. Well, do you ever wear anything else that you find strange?"

"No, nothing else strange like that has happened."

"Do you ever get aroused suddenly and have to stop what you're doing because of it?"

"Yes, it happens every night when I try to work, or when I try to sleep."

"I can see you have very dark eye bags, even before this did you ever have a hard time sleeping?"

"Yes, but even if I am tired I stay awake to do my work."

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Five days ago."

"Ryuga." She gasped, shocked he had been able to function right now.

"What?"

"That's very unhealthy, your brain needs sleep to function properly, maybe that's why you get such strange dreams."

"I function very well even though I do not sleep very often. No, it has no effect on my dreams, if it did I would have had such dreams before, just not about anyone in particular."

stared at him for a moment, a little shocked at his comeback, and then said,

"Well, I guess you're right. Now, are you unable to sleep or do you just power through when you get tired and then pass out from pure exhaustion?"

"95% of the time it is because of my insomnia, but the other 5% of the time it is because I need to work and do not have time for such useless things as sleep, that is why I avoid sleeping when I do get tired. I only sleep when it is absolutely necessary and there's no way to stop it."

"Ryuga, I understand that you don't like sleeping, and that you avoid it because of the dreams, but why do you need to stay up for so long for your work? What is it that you do?"

"I'm a detective, and I have many cases to work on. There is no time for sleep in my schedule."

"Why don't you ask your boss to cut down your workload? That way you can rest every night."

"I am my own boss."

"Then why don't you give yourself a break?"

"I don't have time, I'm working on a very important case right now and I can't afford to take time to rest. If I rest that means that lives were ended because I decided that I had to sleep. If I sleep, I can't help anyone."

"Ryuga, I know that your job is important to you, but you need to sleep at night. I'm going to write you a prescription for insomnia that you can pick up at the pharmacy, and you can't tell me that it's not necessary because you clearly need sleep, and your caretaker already gave me the okay for giving you any medication you might need."

L was shocked, Watari really had gone above and beyond with this.

"As for your dreams, I don't know what to do for you right now. I'd like you to write down at least one or two of your sexual dreams with this man, you don't have to write his name if you don't want to, but you can write a fake one in substitute. I'll take some time to think about them after you write and give them to me this session, and over the next few days before you come back here I'll look over them and tell you my thoughts. So, here's a pen and some paper, and if you would write down one or two dreams, then we can get somewhere."

went over to her desk and grabbed a pad of paper along with a black pen, and handed it to L.

L took the paper and pen without a word, at a loss of what to say.

L looked at who had just sat back down in her chair, giving her a look that said, 'Do I really have to do this?'

As if she could read his mind, she said,

"You don't have to go into explicit detail about the dreams, just the general things that happen, the feelings you got whether they were emotional or pleasurable, anything that may be important for me to know, and anything that stands out to you. I'm not expecting a work of art."

Slowly, L started to write about the dream he had five days ago, and one he had two weeks ago.

Both dreams were strange, but they both had something that stood out of the others, L put a note of that for just so she'd know.

The one he had five days ago was the one where he was wearing a black thong, and the one he had two weeks ago… he'd rather not think about what he was writing for that one.

When he was done he handed the pad and pen back to her, ashamed and embarrassed of what he wrote.

took the pad and pen and set them on her desk.

"Thank you Ryuga, I know that must have been difficult for you to do, but it was needed and I appreciate your cooperation. As for the medication I'm going to give you, that should be in the pharmacy in a few days. The instructions of how you'll take it and how much at one time will be printed on the label of the bottle. I'm sorry to say that our times up, but I will be seeing you soon. It was a pleasure meeting you Ryuga."

stood up to shake L's hand again.

L stood up and shook it for the second time that night.

"You too."

And with that, L left, walking out of the office and out of the building.

He looked to the place where he knew the car would be, not feeling any surprise when he saw that the car hadn't moved an inch since he was gone, or shifted in place.

He got in the car and sat in his normal crouch.

"So, how did it go?" Watari asked, looking out of the corner of his eye to look at L in the rear view mirror.

"I was very uncomfortable, I disliked every moment of it. I see no reason to go again."

"I'm sorry L but you're next appointment has already been made, and you can't convince me to cancel it. Besides, therapy can make you uncomfortable at first, but I'm sure you'll get used to it soon."

"I don't think I can get used to it."

"Well, we'll see as time goes by. By the way, I'm going to pick up your medication when the pharmacy tells me it's in, and there's not going to be any arguments about taking it, you need it."

L knew that Watari was right, and he knew that when it came to arguments like this, he usually didn't win.

"As a reward for not trying to run away or fake going to the appointment I've made a three decker chocolate cake for you ahead of time. When we get home I'll let you have it."

L hid his smile, he didn't want Watari to know that the thought of cake after each appointment made him want to go.

L and Watari didn't talk much on the drive back to the hotel, enjoying the peaceful silence.

…..

 **I'm so sorry I took so long to update! I was very busy with school work and a stupid bridge project in engineering for school. Since I took so long, as a way to make it up to you readers, I made this chapter longer than I was going to before, and I added the therapist in this chapter when I originally planned to introduce her in chapter four.**

 **I promise to try to update much sooner than I did for this chapter. I hope the therapy session wasn't cheesy or anything, and I hope it wasn't boring or anything. I plan for to be in many more chapters, and I want her to be realistic. I tried my best for the therapy to be a real as possible, but if you have any suggestions for how I could make it better than please write a review and I'll take note of whatever advice you give me.**

 **I hope you enjoyed chapter two of "Unrequited Love", and chapter three will be out as soon as possible. (I promise I won't take as long this time!) -Ally**

 **P.S.- I also had the hardest time uploading this, so it took a lot longer than I wanted it to.**


	3. Not Enough

Chapter Three: Not Enough

 **I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE!**

 **SETTING** : Takes place in the building headquarters that L had built, it skips from time to time back to the hotel rooms and other parts of the story. (The hotel keeps changing like it always does, but you know that by now.)

 **WARNING** : This story involves, unrequited love, self harm, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide on more than one occasion, sexual thoughts, **EXTREME** sexual fantasies (Sometimes, it goes from not to bad to extreme, and can be normal.), trauma, therapy, binge eating, bulimia, self hate, stalker-like tendencies and behavior along with actions, swearing, sexual stores, sex toys, masturbation, and (most of the time) explicit sex scenes. If you do not like stories like these then please don't read.

 **(Warning may change over time.)**

 **HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE TEXT:**

'Normal Text' means it's a thought.

Normal text means it's reality.

' _Italics'_ mean that it's a fantasy.

" _Italics" means it's a dream._

 _Italics_ means that it's a flashback

 **Bold** means it's an author's note.

 **IMPORTANT!:** **There is a link I want you to go to, it will show what L buys at the beginning of the chapter so you'll have a better time visualizing it.** . 

**Spoilers!** : L's real name (again).

Chapter Summary: A few days after his appointment with , L's problem only gets worse. Just what will he have to do when "something" isn't enough anymore?

 **(This chapter contains EXTREME self harm, if such things make you feel sick or uncomfortable, than please do not read that part of the story, you have been warned.)**

 **Thank you for all your reviews! They've really helped me write this story. I've been very busy with school, so I'm taking all my personal time to write this. I hope you like chapter three.**

…..

L walked down the aisle, looking for the section of the store that had what he desired.

Turned the corner and stopped when he saw the notebooks sitting neatly on the shelf.

He walked over to them, looking them over to see if they fit his expectations.

L wasn't looking for a normal notebook, he was looking for something more personal, a notebook that would be able to hide his secrets.

L was looking for a diary, a diary that would be impossible to open unless it was him.

He knew that a diary was childish, and that only girls really had them, but he needed a way to express his feelings for Aizawa, and the dreams he had every time he slept.

He spotted a black diary, it was plain and made of leather, but there was a combination lock sealing it shut.

It was perfect, so if anyone found it, they can't open it.

L knew that Aizawa would never find it, but it made him feel better knowing that if for some reason Aizawa did find it, he wouldn't be able read it, and would never find out his dark secrets.

He took the book to the checkout, and left the store feeling slightly better.

…..

L sat in his room, looking out the window at the city below him.

He sighed as he grabbed the black leather book he had purchased earlier and opened it to the first page.

He took a pen and started to write.

 _Entry One_

 _I never thought I'd have a diary, but considering everything that's happened lately I'm really not surprised. I have a secret that no one can know about, (except for , but she doesn't know that much anyway.) a secret that I wish didn't exist. If I could get rid of it I would, but so far I can't, sadly. I've developed feelings for someone, romantic feelings, and I can't be with this person for many reasons. First, because they are a co-worker. Second, they are a man. And third, he's married and has a child. His name is Aizawa. He's tall and handsome, and has an afro. You'd think it wouldn't look nice but it does, it suits him. He gets angry rather easily sometimes, but as weird as it sounds I find that cute. He always challenges me and wants further explanations unlike the others; always testing me to see if I'm telling the truth or if I'm right, that's something I've always liked about him. When these feelings for him first came around they were easy to handle, but when I realized what kind of feelings they were everything changed. I fear that if my feelings go too deep I'll do something drastic. I would usually just cut to take my mind off of things like this and others, but Watari took away all of my blades, so I can't cut anymore. I can feel my emotions becoming stronger, and if I can't cut them away I know they're going to get in the way of my work. Aside from needing to silence my feelings, I need to cut so I can focus. I can't think of any other ways I could hurt myself right now, so for now I'm going to have to deal with my feelings, whether I like it or not. I've already spent too much time on this entry, I need to get back to work._

 _-L_

…..

L knew that over time his Aizawa problem would only get worse, but he never thought it would come to this.

He had tried to think of a way to avoid where he was going that night, but in the end it was inevitable.

L was getting desperate, very desperate, because it wasn't enough anymore.

He had tried many different ways to please himself, but in the end it didn't feel satisfying like it had before.

L realized that his hands weren't enough anymore, and that he'd have to find another way to pleasure himself.

When he realized this he knew he had to find another way, because the dissatisfaction was distracting during the work day.

So, he had tried using objects that were bigger than his fingers.

And it still wasn't enough.

He tried many other ways, and when those didn't work he looked up the best way for pleasurable stimulation, and it all said the same thing.

L had a problem, he knew that much, but he hated that he had become so entangled in it that he was going this far.

L was wearing a black coat,(the same one Watari had made him wear when he had to see ), a plain black fedora, and a pair of sunglasses that hid his dark eyes.

He had snuck out of the hotel in the middle of the night, making sure Watari would never notice his absence.

He didn't want to do this, but he there was no other way.

He had a gun on him for protection if someone tried to attack him, his untraceable phone, and his unlimited credit card.

He was walking down the street towards the shop that had the answer to his current problem, well, the problem with the problem.

He thought about turning back, sneaking back inside the hotel and into his room where he would be safe, but he knew he couldn't, not after he had come this far.

The shop had bright lights illuminating the sign, making it flash and do different patterns to advertise its name.

L stood outside the store, he took a deep breath for confidence, and thought to himself

'You can do this, you're L, and L isn't afraid of anything.'

L walked into the shop and looked at his surroundings, there were aisles with a wide variety of "toys".

L wasn't in your normal toy store, no, no child would be allowed such toys, L was in an adult toy store.

He grabbed a blue shopping basket and headed towards the first aisle he saw.

He looked at what was on the shelves.

There was handcuffs of many kinds, but that wasn't what he was looking for.

He went further down the aisle, now he saw a variety of ball gags.

'I need something to make me quieter since I've become more sensitive. I'm too loud, Watari heard me the other night and thought I was in pain, and that can't happen again.' He thought as he put a normal ball gag in his basket.

He went further down the long aisle but saw nothing of use.

He went to the next aisle and looked at what there was.

This aisle had more of what he needed.

There were dildos of many kinds, sizes, and shapes.

'Glass, metal, plastic, rubber. Which kind should I get?' He thought to himself as he gazed at the different dildos on the shelf.

His eyes spotted a seven inch black rubber dildo that had a generous width.

He looked around before picking up the box and quickly putting it in his basket.

He walked further down the aisle and stopped when he saw it change from dildos to vibrators.

'Okay L, you've already picked out two things, you can do it a third time.'

L looked at the assortment of vibrators, questioning which kind he should get.

There were plain ones of simple colors, and there were ones that had special designs.

He saw a pink vibrator that was six inches.

It was high quality and had 'vibrations that send you to heaven'.

He glanced around before he hastily snatched the toy and put it in his basket.

'Alright, I've gotten all the things I need, now I just need to find the cashier.'

L left the aisle and looked around until he found it. There was a man in his early twenties behind the counter. The man smiled at him and said,

"You've never shopped at a store like this, have you?" L simply shook his head in response.

"I can tell because of your clothes, you're covering yourself so much I can barely see your skin. There's no need to be shy, we all have needs. I know it's embarrassing, but in order to buy whatever it is you have you have to give it to me, you don't have to be ashamed."

L was glad he was wearing such heavy clothing, not just because his face wasn't visible, but because if he wasn't the man would see his deep blush.

L calmly took the "toys" out of the basket and placed them in front of the man, not wanting to look at the man's reaction.

He saw the man first pick up the ball gag, flipping it around until he found the bar code.

L heard the beep and kept looking down at where the man's hands were grabbing the items.

He picked the up the dildo next, scanning it and putting it in the bag with the ball gag.

And lastly, he grabbed the vibrator, and said to L,

"You have good taste, this is one hell of a vibrator, trust me, I've used this kind before."

L didn't say anything, his blush simply deepened.

"That'll be-" L didn't listen to the price, he really didn't need to worry about how much it was, because no matter the amount his credit card never gave out.

L handed him his credit card.

He signed his fake signature for the alias Hideki Ryuga, and took the bag from the man.

As he walked to leave the man said,

"Have a goodnight, and enjoy yourself." L nodded and left, feeling so embarrassed about what he had done.

…..

When L returned from his expedition, he quietly entered the hotel, trying not to wake Watari.

He locked the door behind him and tiptoed to his room through the darkness.

When he was halfway there a lamp was turned on and made him visible.

Watari was sitting in the armchair that L usually sat in, looking at him, he was very unpleased.

"Where were you?"

"I went shopping."

"For what?"

"It's personal."

"The last time you went shopping and told me it was personal, you had bought a razor to cut yourself with. So, I'll ask again, what did you buy?"

"Watari what I've bought is my business and my business alone. I'm sorry but I'm not going to tell you."

Watari got up and went over to L, looking at the plastic bag that hid what L had purchased.

L quickly panicked and said,

"I bought a new charger for my computer."

"Really, why didn't you tell me? I could have gotten it for you."

"It broke when I was working, and you were sleeping so I didn't want to wake you."

Watari paused for a moment, looking at L's micro movements and behavior to see whether or not he was telling the truth.

"Alright. I'm going back to bed, try to get some sleep."

And Watari left, walking down the hall to his room.

When L heard the door to Watari's room click shut, he sighed with relief.

He went into his room and locked the door, sliding down to the floor.

He put the bag down and and put his head in knees.

He sat there like that for a while, feeling horrible.

L had been feeling his emotions much more lately than he usually did, now they felt overwhelming.

It was all because Watari had caught him that one night, the night where he pretty much cut his entire arm open.

Watari had taken away his knife, and any other sharp objects that he could use to harm himself away, and now he couldn't cut himself.

If he didn't have a razor, he couldn't cut.

If he couldn't cut, his emotions were out of control.

If his emotions were out of control, then all the pain from the past would come back.

And if all the pain from the past came back, it made him feel awful.

L didn't want to feel the pain from the past, but if he couldn't cut it away then it wouldn't go away.

L didn't realize it, but he was crying.

Tears fell from his eyes as his life played through his mind over and over, mocking him by showing him all the bad memories, and all the tragedies that caused him such horrible pain.

He shook as silent sobs racked his body, making him curl into an even tighter ball than before.

He lifted his head up to look at his arm, he rolled up the sleeve.

His arm was covered in scars, scars he had given himself because he couldn't deal with the pain properly.

His arm was still pretty beat up from the last time, the deep cuts swelling to the top of his flesh, wanting their existence to be known.

'I'm so pathetic, my arms are ugly, I'm so ugly. I don't deserve the title 'L'. I'm no one, I'm nothing.'

Where had L gone? Did he even exist anymore? No, L was gone, this was Lawliet, not L.

Even though all the cuts were healed, they were still very sore.

L got an idea, he knew that it would anger Watari if he found out, but at that moment he didn't care.

L took his chewed up nails and scratched along his arm, pushing his nails deeply into his flesh.

He felt the cuts become sorer than they were before, he felt relief that he was finally feeling pain again.

He scratched harder, turning his skin pink, ignoring the pain associated with it.

He cried as he dug his ragged nails deep into his arm, the blood slowly dripping out and staining his nails.

He bore his nails deeper, tearing his skin further.

When L was satisfied with what he had done he looked at his arm.

His skin was torn, blood slithering down his arm, his pale skin tinted a dark red.

Chunks of flesh and blood were stuck deep under his nails, blood coating his fingers and trailing down his palm.

He was sobbing as he looked at the horrors he gave his arm, but now, at least he would be able to control his emotions again… right?

L got up from the floor and grabbed the plastic bag, throwing it on his bed.

He went to the bathroom to look for the first aid kit.

He bandaged his arm and put the kit back.

He went back out to the room and took the contents out of the bag one by one.

He laid the toys on the bed next to each other.

He picked up the box that had the ball gag in it and opened it.

He took the ball gag out and looked at it, it was a simple ball gag, nothing special.

He picked up the dildo next, peeling the cardboard away from the plastic encasing it.

He held the dildo in his hand, observing it and running his thumb over the length, feeling the texture of the rubber.

And lastly, he picked up the box the vibrator was in, once again reading the line on the box that said, 'vibrations that send you to heaven'.

He pulled it out of the box and gripped it in his hand, looking at the pink toy that was a perfect six inches and looked just like the actual thing, but was pink.

'I don't think I'm ready for that just yet.' He thought as he gazed at the toy.

He opened his nightstand and took out a metal box that had a very secure combination lock.

He always brought it with him incase he needed to keep something safe, or from Watari.

Originally it was for his blades when he would cut himself, but now, it would be a place to keep his toys safe so no one would be able to find out he used such things, it would be very embarrassing if someone were to find them.

He opened the metal box with the secret combination and put the vibrator in it, and put the box on his nightstand, but leaving the box open.

L didn't feel tired, he never really did, and the case was something that didn't occupy his mind at the moment, all he could think about was finally feeling sexually satisfied, because even though he loved the feeling of his fingers, they didn't get the job done anymore.

L felt shame and excitement wash over him as he took the ball gag and fastened it on his head, forcing the ball in his open mouth, muffling and quieting any sound that he might make.

He grabbed the dildo and put it next to him as he undressed himself.

When all of his clothing was removed he grabbed the dildo and put it to his entrance, he had fingered himself earlier that day, so he was still fairly stretched, and besides, he'd fingered himself dry before when he didn't have enough time to wet them, and it didn't hurt him.

He slowly pushed the tip inside, gasping as he felt a very pleasurable stretch.

He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feeling, pushing the dildo in inch by inch.

He had at least four of the seven inches in, and he was already moaning.

It felt so good, he knew it would, but he'd never experienced something like this before, yes, he was an adult that liked to pleasure himself, but he'd never bought anything that was supposed to enhance the feeling, or make it feel more real.

'So this is what Aizawa would really feel like, interesting.'

He pushed the last three inches inside and stopped for a moment.

His eyes were still closed, his moans quieted and muffled by the ball gag, and the toy all the way in, making him feel filled.

When he felt calm enough, he slowly pulled the dildo out halfway and pushed it back in.

He repeated the motion, feeling his body heat rising as the toy moved within him.

He moaned when he felt the tip brush his prostate, making him tighten around it.

Aizawa started to infect his thoughts, making him harder than he was before.

"Aizawa…" L moaned, but his words were muffled.

" _You like this Ryuuzaki? Tell me what you want."_ He heard Aizawa say.

"More." He sped up the thrust of the dildo, making it graze his prostate harder than before.

He moved the dildo faster, making his inner muscles twitch.

L buried his face in the pillow his head was resting on. He moaned quietly into the pillow as he thrust the dildo faster in and out of his hole, making him tremble from the sparks of pleasure. He shuddered as he drove the tip hard against his sweet spot, imagining Aizawa taking him from behind, rough and tough, making him bend to his will. L was close to orgasm, whimpering as his orgasm started to approach, making him arch his back and moan in absolute ecstasy. He moved the dildo as fast as he could, pushing back against as if it were really Aizawa. Eventually, it became too much, and L cried out in bliss as his orgasm hit him hard, making ejaculate all over his sheets. L panted as he recovered from the pure bliss he just experienced, maneuvering to lie down and slowly drift off to sleep.

L felt happy, for some reason feeling this way brought him joy, along with pain.

He just hoped it would last.

…..

L opened his eyes slowly, looking around his room before getting up and taking a bath like he did every morning.

He stared at his bandaged arm before pulling the sleeve over it.

He walked out to the room where the Task Force worked and sat down in his armchair.

He opened his computer and started to work on the Kira case.

He started to suspect that Light Yagami could be Kira, but he knew that the chief and the others would disagree with him.

L barely noticed when Watari put his ice cream sundae down next to him, mumbling a small 'thank you'.

"Ryuuzaki, are you okay?" Watari asked, still standing behind him.

"Yes, why?"

"I heard you crying last night shortly after I went to my room. If there's something wrong please tell me, I want to help you."

"I wasn't crying."

"There's no point lying to me Ryuuzaki. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Ryuuzaki." Watari's voice pressed how important this was to him.

"I'm not telling you." L could see the cogs working in Watari's head, trying to figure out what could be wrong.

"Are you upset because I took away your blades? Because you can't hurt yourself anymore? Or did you already figure out another way?"

L was silent, not wanting to give anything away.

"Let me see your arm." Watari said as he reached for L's co-dominant arm.

L pulled his arm out of reach, not letting Watari see it.

"Ryuuzaki, let me see it."

L fought Watari's grasp, trying to pry his arm away from the old man.

Watari eventually managed to look at L's arm, seeing the bandages underneath his sleeve.

"I knew you didn't buy a computer charger, you bought another blade."

"No I didn't."

"Then how did you do this?"

"I scratched."

Watari let go of L's arm, his eyes softening.

"Why must you do this? Why don't you stop?"

"Because I need to."

"No you don't, there are other ways to cope."

"I've tried other ways, they don't work."

"If you believe it won't work then it won't."

"I did believe, and it still didn't work."

Watari sighed, it was no use trying to argue with L.

"The next time you feel the urge to hurt yourself please talk to me. I want to help you Ryuuzaki, really."

"Fine."

Watari walked away without another word, leaving L to do his work.

…..

L sat on his bed as he held the blade in his hand.

It was a small razor blade, the kind a cheap pencil sharpener has.

L knew that he'd have to be quiet, he usually was, but because how emotional he had been lately he'd been rather loud whenever he would cut.

He knew he couldn't cut on his arms anymore, because Watari had started checking his arms everyday to see if there were any new marks.

How L managed to get the blade past Watari is something that even L didn't know, but the point was that he had it.

At first, he was planning on cutting his ankles, but he knew that Watari would know because he didn't wear shoes or socks, so his ankles were a no.

His stomach didn't seem like a good place, so that was out of the picture.

His legs were something that gave him support when he sat, so that wasn't an option.

All that was left was his hips, so he'd have to go with that.

L got off his bed and went to his bathroom, the blade still in his hand.

He locked the door and put the blade on the counter.

He slowly unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down, also pulling his boxers down with them.

He picked up the blade and brought it to his right hip, pressing it lightly on the soft flesh.

He quickly made a cut along his hip, not even wincing when he felt the sharp blade dig into his skin.

He moved the blade to another part of his hip and repeated the motion, making many cuts.

His cuts slowly wept red tears down his hip, trailing down to his leg.

His mind was becoming clearer, and his feelings were going away.

L knew that this was the only way he could ever feel better, because no matter how hard he tried to find another way, it never worked.

He could feel it, the love that the blade gave him, the love was seeping out of him as dark red blood.

This was the only way he'd ever be loved, because Aizawa certainly never would.

When he was done he tended to his cuts and cleaned up all the blood.

He cleaned the blade and pulled his pants and boxers back up, fastening the button.

He put the blade in the locked box with his… toys.

He went back out to his room and sat on his bed.

L grabbed his computer and started working, feeling much better.

…..

L looked out the window, watching the other cars drive by.

Watari was taking him to his next appointment with , and he wasn't very excited.

He was hoping he could avoid it somehow, but he couldn't think of anything.

He was glad that the pharmacy had delayed his insomnia medication though, so for now he wouldn't be forced to sleep.

They pulled into the parking lot and L got out, walking over to the building.

He was wearing the same black coat from last time, he didn't look any different.

He told the receptionist he was there for his appointment and sat down in the waiting room.

Eventually his name was called and he went with the person down the hall towards 's office. greeted him and they sat down.

"Ryuga, how have you been?" asked.

"Fine." He lied.

"Your caretaker told me that you self harm, is that true?"

"...Yes, I do."

"How?"

"I usually cut, but he took my blades away, so I scratch instead." L wasn't going to tell her that he had gotten another blade without Watari knowing, he knew since he was over twenty two she couldn't tell him, but he had to play it safe.

"Why do you cut or scratch yourself Ryuga, is it to feel better?"

"I hurt myself to maintain my emotions so I don't become emotional around others. I have to cut so I don't feel."

"Why don't you want to feel? Is there any reason?"

"If I feel I become too emotional, and I'll lash out and all I'll do I yell and cry. I really don't like dealing with feelings like that, they interfere with my work."

"You seem very focused on your work, why is that?"

"I'm working on a very important case right now, and if I have distractions like emotions I can't solve it."

"What's the case?"

"It's about a mass murderer."

"Interesting. Now, tell me about your medication. Did you get it yet?"

"No, the pharmacy hasn't notified me."

"Okay. Let's talk about your current problem."

"Okay."

"How have you been dealing with your feelings for him?"

"I scratch to forget them, but I remember after a few hours."

"Why do you scratch to deal with the feelings?"

"Because I want to forget, and scratching makes me feel better about it, and helps me forget for awhile."

"Have you been having the dreams?"  
"Yes, they haven't gotten any better."

"How often?"

"Every time I go to sleep, which isn't often."

"You still aren't sleeping, even if you're tired?"  
"No."

"You need sleep Ryuga, if you don't sleep you could die."

"I'm not going to die."

"Anyway, I looked over the dreams you wrote about. I have to say you are a very vivid dreamer and writer. You should go into a career of writing."

"Thank you, but I'm only interested in being a detective."

"What a shame. Alright, from what you wrote I can tell you're deeply in love with this man. I'm not sure what to do about your feelings right now, but I have an idea of what you could do to stop, or at least slow down these dreams. First, get rid of anything that reminds you of him. Second, if you slept more you'd have much more control over your dreams. When you're sleep deprived your problems manifest into dreams. I'm serious Ryuga, you need to sleep. If you don't you're going to get very serious health problems, and I don't want to see that happening to you. As for your self harm all I can tell you right now is that you need to find another way to cope. Find something to distract yourself like a hobby. Maybe you could do some art to make you feel better, go outside and be one with nature, anything really."

"Okay."

"I just thought of something. You should take a rubber band and wear it on your wrist. And whenever you want to hurt yourself, instead, snap the band against your skin. It can help Ryuga, I've told many of my patients to do this, and they said it helped them."

"I don't know if it will do anything."

"Please promise me you'll try. Can you do that for me?"

"Fine."

"Thank you Ryuga, that's makes my day."

…..

L sat on his bed with a small bag.

The bag was filled with twenty wrist sized rubber bands.

L opened the bag and pulled out of a few.

One was red, one was green, and one was purple.

He decided to go with the purple one.

'I like purple.' He thought.

He slowly put the rubber band on his wrist and sat there for a moment.

He wondered if this was going to work, because what could be better than the feeling of a blade slicing his skin?

L slowly pulled the rubber band back, and let it snap back against his skin.

It hurt, but not enough.

L snapped it again, but harder.

 _There, that's more like it._

L did it again, and again, and again, and again.

When he was done he felt much better.

"So it works." L said quietly to himself.

L smiled, he felt happy now that he'd found a better way to cope, but he wasn't sure how long he'd last without cutting.

Time would tell, but for now, L could smile and laugh.

L got under the covers and closed his eyes.

Yes, it was all good… for now.

…..

 **Thank you for all your reviews! They've really helped me write this story. I've been very busy with school, so I'm taking all my personal time to write this. I'm sorry you had to wait so long, but here it is! I used the rubber band thing with L because I do the same thing. I would scratch at my skin and get really bad rashes. But now I do the rubber band technique. I chose the color purple for the rubber band because my rubber band is purple.I hope you liked chapter three, and I hope you'll read the next update.**

 **-Ally**

 **FUTURE AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter was extended a little, and some few things have been tweaked. I added more detail and length to the masturbation scene with L and his dildo, and fixed a few other minor details. I hope you enjoy the longer scene.**

 **-Ally (From the future.)**


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